I was dancing to a Wham! cassette, playing on my dad's old stereo. My room was the size of a generous walk in closet, about 11'x11', with one old window that had a small flower box attached outside. The house was built in 1914, and hadn't had many improvements since. My room had one outlet, that supported a lot of activity, namely; two lamps that kept the room lit. There were only a few rooms that had an overhead light, and my bedroom was not one of them. It was cozy and it was my retreat from the world for 25 years. It is where I learned to be alone.
We were right on the cusp of association in our congregation. My two older brothers had each other, and were more theocratic than I'd been. I was never fully sold on the whole 'being a Jehovah's Witness' thing, so I didn't really get that close to other witnesses. Plus, my dad was what they call "inactive," which made some families uncomfortable. So really, even if I'd wanted an invitation to the gatherings we were excluded from, I probably wouldn't have wanted to go. Jehovah's Witnesses believe in keeping the congregation "pure," which doesn't leave much room for mistakes, and that didn't impress me much.
Tip one: There is nothing wrong with you.
Everyone was so worried all the time, and rightly so. We were told 3 days a week, for 3 hours at a time, that the world could end at any moment. As a kid, they discouraged us from associating with anyone who wasn't a witness, calling them "worldly." Every time I asked about getting closer to a school friend, I was just told "bad association spoils useful habits" over and over again. They drilled into our brains that all our school friends could die at any moment, and pushed us to save them by witnessing to them. Our magazines and books were filled with paintings of destruction and 'wicked' people perishing in armageddon. In fact, when I decided to leave, both of my brothers said they couldn't be close to me anymore because I was going to die in armageddon. Sadly that disconnect never really mended fully. There will always be a layer of separation because they expect me to die horribly at any given time.
It's a lonely feeling to leave your family's faith. All the people you've grown up with glare at you, and some family members feel more like co-workers being cordial. I was one of the lucky ones, in that, I never got baptized. If I had been baptized, I would most likely be disfellowshipped now. Being disfellowshipped is the loneliest experience you can have as a Jehovah's Witness. They announce your disfellowshipping to everyone in the Kingdom Hall, and from that point forward no one can talk to you until the elders feel you've repented enough to be reinstated. There's no set timeline for that, it's strictly based off of what the elders decide. Everyone you've ever known actively shuns you, and the worst part is, they think they're helping you.
It would be next to impossible to not have that affect you and your relationships in life after the Witnesses. To this day, my mom doesn't communicate her feelings, she just expects you to know why she's not talking to you. I suppose that's one of the reasons why I'm decent at reading people's moods now and picking up on subtleties. I have a lot of practice with the silent treatment. Now I have to remind myself that people can not read my mind, and I need to talk about things that upset me to resolve them. The cool part about that is when you start doing that, you get to have real friends and genuine relationships. Which brings me to my next tip on being alone:
Tip two: get therapy.
I'm a serious advocate for therapy. I think everyone should get some form of therapy. For me, it's mostly been talk therapy. I've had a few different therapists since 2012, which was when I first sought help. There were many things that prompted me leaving the Organization, but I didn't actively find a way out until my first best friend Jenny came along. That's another story that deserves more time, but with her, I gained the courage to trust my own thoughts and opinions enough to say I don't want to do this anymore.
The guilt that came from the witnesses, (mostly my mom's tears every day for a year) made me feel like I was a failure. Like I would amount to nothing without them. There's a certain hopelessness as a witness child, that your dreams don't mean anything since the world could end at any moment. Why try anything at all when you're waiting for the end of the world? I still carry some of this guilt, but it worsened when Jenny passed away. I had left my old life behind for my school friends, and I wanted them to cherish that in a way that they would never be able to. When Jenny died, a resentment was attached to that feeling that made me angry. Whenever someone treated me poorly, I felt betrayed by the life I'd chosen. I wanted my friends to understand the pain I was in, and realize that I wanted to go but I couldn't because of them. I was angry at them for loving me and keeping me here with their love. Even if the love wasn't up to the caliber I wanted it to be. I was lost, and more alone than I'd ever been.
6 years later, it was a breakup that sent me spiraling, and perhaps several breakups if I'm honest. But the one that sent me over the edge was a total shock that I wasn't prepared for. He was 28, I was 24 and we met at a fashion event. He had been a Jehovah's Witness at one time too, although not as deeply indoctrinated. He wanted to be a rapper, and he is still a very talented filmographer. I didn't understand the concept of dating then. I thought I'd met my partner and that we would be committed to each other from that point on. When he told me that he'd kissed another girl at some show, and then got angry at me for the guilt he felt, I was shook. My past partners had mostly cheated, or been dishonest with me; shaking the confidence I'd manage to build alone in my cave. But he was different, he made me feel beautiful and desired.
I was a wreck for months after that. I was taking painkillers and muscle relaxers every day before work and after. I would go in the back to cry, then come back out and ring up people's liquor. He posted a picture of her at the Grotto a few days later, which was the first place I realized I was in love with him. I didn't want to be alive anymore, but I never planned on killing myself. I reached out to my friend Nina, who had been attached to my hip since we met 8 months earlier. We spent most of our friendship focused on her and her traumas. At my lowest point when I told her I wanted to die, she blocked me on everything. She just said she thought it would be better if we didn't talk anymore, and all the shunned feelings fled back.
I didn't know what else to do, I called the suicide hotline on one of my lunch breaks and they asked if I'd ever had therapy. My parents used therapy as a threat when I was a teen, so I had a chip on my shoulder about it. After a distant friend that I went to art school with, reached out to recommend Wise Counsel and Comfort (a sliding scale therapy network) I managed to make my first appointment with a woman named Cathy. I was nervous the first few times, until everything started pouring out. Cathy was good, she mostly listened, made notes and occasionally popped her head up to remind me that I would be ok, and that I wasn't the failure I thought I was.
In the three years I saw Cathy, I got on zoloft, and maxed out the dosage. The sadness was all consuming, like a cancer. It spread through my body and brain leaving me questioning every thought and feeling I had quietly to myself. Cathy would sense me withdrawing into myself and try to pry the thoughts I was having out into the open; so she could question and disprove them. I had blamed myself for everything, thinking I deserved it because I must have been wicked or stupid. Cathy was kind, and taught me some skills to start being kinder to myself. I didn't realize how easily I shut down... It was my defense mechanism, the only one I had. The only thing I knew better than anything was how to be alone.
Tip three: Learn to be your own best friend
In that little bedroom, during the many hours by myself, a lot of different voices came and went. My toys all had names and personalities, and we'd carry on conversations during play... but when I got older those voices mocked me for needing their company. I had to talk to myself like I would a friend. I would hug myself and say it's going to be ok. What I didn't realize, was this was my first venture into self care.
Self care is vital for your survival!! A podcast I listen to pretty frequently bestowed a new life value on me~
Be kind to little you.
~As in, imagine a younger you that you care for. Maybe they're dancing to Wham! in their little room surrounded by stuffed animals. Now imagine saying the things you think about yourself to little you. Good or bad, how do you picture that little person feeling? Do they deserve the mean things the voices say? Just like the movie "Drop Dead Fred," you have to hug that little you with everything you've got. You have to be there for them the way you needed someone to be for you. What would have helped you?
Tip 4: Surround yourself with people that genuinely care about you
Once you start being kinder to yourself, it gradually gets easier to stand up for yourself as well. Not only standing up for yourself, but communicating too. I spent a brief time in New York when I was planning to move there, where I learned to feel confident in saying "no." Setting boundaries used to give me major anxiety, and with strong personalities it still can from time to time. You may find that once you start setting boundaries with people things tend to calm down a bit more in your head. You may lose some people, but once you have an understanding of yourself and what you stand for, those exits don't bother you as much. You may even start to enjoy your time alone, or build more solid relationships with people you never expected.
Tip 5: Get yourself a hobby
Seriously, everyone needs a hobby. Find what makes you happy, here's some things I've tried, and would recommend:
Drawing
Painting
Knitting
Acting
Singing
Sculpture
Writing
Baking
Video Games
Reading
Plants
Embroidery
Video Editing
Print Making
Collecting
Tap Dancing
Ballet
Piano
Animation
Find something that moves your feet, or hands, or both. You need an outlet for the extra energy, and the feeling of learning is a great distraction from intrusive thoughts. I recently beat Donkey Kong 64. I didn't really contribute anything to society by doing so, but I enjoyed it thoroughly. We work hard don't we? Anything that brings us joy can't be that much of a waste of time.
Tip 6: You're actually not alone
This week, my partner and I got into a spat about something, and said some hurtful things to each other. He said later that I don't know how not to be alone, and that resinated.
It's important to remember that there are people who love you, and you can reach out to them any time. They might not be available at that moment, or might be really busy when you reach out. That's ok, reach out to someone else. Social media is a remarkable thing. You can always find someone just like you somewhere in the world.
With the support of a therapist, and a close friend group, the loneliness fades into downtime. Sweet, quiet, downtime to focus on a hobby, or read a book, or take a bubble bath. And if it gets to be too much, watch this video and take yourself for a walk. You might find, that nothing looks the same in the light.
**Don't stay lonely~ If you need help, and support please visit https://www.samhsa.gov/
You matter, and we love you.
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