Closing January

Dearest Blog, it feels as though it has been ages since I touched you. The last few entries, sparse and contrived have faded from memory like the howl of an old hound dog to a fur coat.

My time has been occupied primarily by closing the month of sales, however that is not what I'd like to reflect on tonight. Searching for the perfect stock photo in a swarm of the mediocre, as a familiar tune plays on repeat in my head.

"I know there's an answer. I know now, but I had to find it by myself."

The boys of the beach, calling all too relatedly from another time, with drums and surf guitar strings. What answer did they find? And why wasn't it shared? A little secret kept safe in a melody. I ponder now, shivering on Mega-bed, if there will ever be such an answer for me.

Today I contemplate liposuction. As I am living and breathing in the future I do not have to sit unhappily the way I am. This too, I can afford. Judgement hath been passed upon me and scorn when I squeak it in hushed hallways to confidants. The world is unkind to average women like me. When I was young enough for the fashion industry I was told I was too large, or my teeth be unruly. Now all those voices from many years still echo and are joined with others. They fight each other now, saying "love yourself, but at 20 pounds less." The body image of more voluptuous women is more acceptable now, and thin is still where it's been. But alas, there is no place for me.

I fear I've drifted to another topic thought silly by my peers. I shall keep it safe now, pray one day the distain for my exterior does not claim me the way it has so many others.

Still this is not the topic I care to elaborate. For hark, this city changes more hence. More buildings are brought down to make way for what are called "condos." Condos are small dens where rich people go to be near the city. Condos have claimed my school, a place I spent every day for 4 solid years. They claim more too, but there is no stopping it. If there is no change, then death follows. Once growth ends, life ceases to be. For all things living grow, and all things growing die. I see no death in the immediate future, so I shall have to endure the growth.

It is this too in my daily life I shy from. The great potential just out of reach like a carrot leading an ass. This is the answer I will have to find by myself. A great mystery of what makes me more than stardust. Held back by nothing more than self.

"I know there's an answer. I know now but I had to find it by my-self."

Until another rainy evening, when we are both familiar.